Sorry
by Rhiannon Uerch Llewelyn
Summary: I know you love Daisuke, though it is not the love of the obsessed. You’d die for him…and you almost did. You yearn with every breath you take, every step you make and everyone you break.
1. Chapter 1

This fic is taken from both the anime series & the manga that have been released. This chapter is told primarily from Satoshi's point of view, as if you were viewing his thoughts & seeing through his eyes. _The parts in italics are drifting thoughts that are also his but on an almost unconscious level: his very dark, philosophical persona, if you would._

(This fic is unedited/beta-d!)

Warning: For those who know/want to know the series, male/male love is alluded to/mentioned, in this fic & also the series itself, so if you don't like that, DON'T READ THIS! For I LOVE it! ALSO there is non-graphic sex described first thing, if you are a young mind DON'T CONTINUE TO READ THIS! There will also be subjects mentioned and dealt with in later chapters that are not suitable for young readers. You have been warned!

eeeeeeeeeeevil cackle

I own nothing… such a pity…

.—

Sorry 

He thrust deeply into the heat, so warm and welcoming, without hindrance, his eyes closed and his mind slipped farther away as his body strove towards the release it needed so badly. Sweat dripped from his messed hair as his hands fisted brutally in the sweaty sheets, arms tensed and straining, bracing him upright and adding force to his thrusts, the one beneath him protesting. Yet he heard nothing, he saw nothing, and he felt—nothing…

There was no joy here, no acceptance and solace, it was a simple matter of want, take, use and release. Nothing more. The one he wanted was not his and never would be. Such was his life.

As Satoshi neared climax his mind flashed from memory: spiky red hair, pale skin, and mischievous eyes… He fell over the edge into oblivion, a name moaned from his lips—

"Niwa …"

He knew no more.

_

* * *

Innocence lost, that is all we are, nothing but a farce of our own existence. Everything we touch turns to ashes, everything we love dies. Such is the fickleness of humanity: we are shadows…and we fear ourselves. _

_You are innocent; you see what you wish to see, you never look beneath the surface. We are each as we choose to be, neither one of us is without flaw or weakness, yet you see perfection; you see a dream you wish to be. This is all I am, all I will ever be. _

_I am darkness; you see light that doesn't exist,_

_But for one _

_You are not the one… _

* * *

The room is a blanket of darkness and nothing moves but me, it is night and I am tired yet I don't sleep. After sex is a time for reflection, thinking about what isn't & what will never be, it is a time of pain and a time of sadness, it is a time where realizations of reality are seen and accepted, a time when farce has all meaning and yet ceases to be, for passion has been spent and the mind is clear to regret. Illusion disappears. 

This is my place, my room and my bed; in it you lie, once sprawled, now curled into yourself, as if in pain… and you are.

I have taken your first time. You offered it to me.

You knew not what you asked.

* * *

TBC… 

Do send me your comments, thoughts and suggestions. Everything helps us authors better our writing.

snicker

(I love doing this…)


	2. Chapter 2

This fic is taken from both the anime series & the manga that have been released. This chapter is told a great deal from Risa's point of view, as if you were viewing her thoughts & seeing through her eyes.

Warning: For those who know/want to know the series, male/male love is alluded to/mentioned, in this fic & also the series itself, so if you don't like that, DON'T READ THIS! For I LOVE it!

And, no, for those that are wondering/dreading/being violently sick, I am NOT a fan of the Risa/Satoshi pairing. In my books it don't easily work for a shitload of reasons, I am simply doing a "what if" fic following the material given at the end of the TV Anime series. Things are hinted at that I wanted to play with… So I am…

(This fic is unedited/beta-ed!)

I own nothing… such a pity…

.—

Chapter 2: Silence 

Moonlight streamed through huge mullioned windows that wrapped around the room, bathing its massive innards in shadows. Dominating the vast hardwood floor was a bed, low to the ground and luxurious, on which to languish in splendor: spread with white cotton sheets, it was the epitome of comfort, to be enjoyed to the fullest without question.

Aside from the bed the room was utterly devoid of clutter. Everything was in its place, tucked away, rolled away, folded or simply put out of the way of either wandering feet or wandering eyes. A pair of matching night tables and a lone chair graced the room for nothing else was either needed or desired by its owner.

As the moonlight shifted with the weaving branches outside, the shadows cast within the room changed and morphed into creatures out of hell and legend. Though they were nothing but tricks of the darkness. They played with a silhouette framed in the center of the window: a chair unlike any other, poised as if half alive, rising out of the back of its seat, a pair of wings, those of Angels, yet these were parodies of each other. One was irreparably broken, the lattice of the framework naked in its ruin, the other was whole, its grace a mockery in its completeness. In its entirety, its color of bone: old and dry.

This was not a seat for pleasured ease but a seat of power, ambivalent at rest, a tool waiting for use. In slumber only

Nothing moved or breathed, the room was still. Not even the air stirred. The atmosphere hung heavy with the smell of sex and sweat, unrelieved by open door or window; the essence of feeling that likewise swam in the room was not that of fulfilled passion but festering pain, it clung to the walls like residue and tainted the air like acid.

I lie here on a bed, spent of passion. I have given all, all I can give and it wasn't enough…

When truly loving someone you give yourself utterly, it's not something done by choice, it simply happens; often without our conscious knowledge, often we don't even know until it's too late. You can't want to love someone and find that love born from nothing, it either is or isn't, it can't be forced.

Love is a strange thing… as we are.

To be expected, perhaps

It is different in all of us: some take it lightly, some don't; some love easily, some don't; and some love utterly… most don't. To love someone else to the exclusion of all others can give one the greatest peace, if that love is returned. When it isn't—then things have no balance and the person who loves will be lost.

You love another. I know this

You are lost.

I am sorry…

. 

TBC…

Flame me,

Fuck me.

Kiss me,

Hug me!

Send 'em up,

I'll eat it up!

Do send me your comments, thoughts and suggestions. Everything helps us authors better our writing.

snicker

(I love doing this…)


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry about the delay! I got writers block ¾ of the way in! (Bows deeply in apology…)

_Warning_! Incest between Satoshi and his messed up stepfather is mentioned, this is likewise implied in the anime and the manga. And, for those who know/want to know the series, male/male love is alluded to/mentioned in this fic & also the series itself, if you don't like that, DON'T READ THIS!

This fic is taken from both the anime series & the manga that have been released. This chapter is told primarily from Satoshi's point of view, as if you were viewing his thoughts & seeing through his eyes. _The parts in italics are drifting thoughts that are also his but on an almost unconscious level: his very dark, philosophical persona, if you would._

(This fic is unedited/beta-ed!)

eeeeeeeeeeevil cackle

I own nothing… such a pity…

.—

Chapter 3: Regret

This is my house, though once it belonged to my stepfather. So vast, of soaring mullioned windows, imposing façades of stonework, floors of hardwood and walls of muted woodwork. It is a place at once grand and forbidding, elegant and imposing and within its walls once dwelled innocence and dreams, a childhood without borders or pain. Then shadows fell and innocence was lost, as a man who should have been a father slipped into madness and took a child for his own.

I was so young and knew nothing of darkness or the lust of adults, my world was the freedom of books and the ability to create art worthy of a master. Father, you watched me as I lost myself to my imagination, you looked on in envy and coveted what I could do. You saw in me my family history, and the sleeping hell that was my caged half. You adopted me to sheath that power. You took me to awaken it…

And it worked

_Like a shadow we are, only half alive. Everything we do, a mirror._

I am Hiwatari Satoshi, taking high school because it is something I have never taken and I wished to know what it was like. I have already graduated from university and have a job with the local police. I am not at all what I seem

A fine face and form turns heads and stirs want of ownership. I am apart and always have been; do not reach for what will burn you. Many do and try in vain, though not for lack of wanting. I am handed love notes from girls with stars in their eyes as they see one they wish to warm from cold, one they wish desire. Such wishful thoughts bringing ruination and destruction, they know nothing of what they see.

I love. I destroy. For I destroy what I love, such is the way of things. Things I cannot deny or control.

To love another I give all of myself, all that I am at the feet of one. Such a peaceful surrender, painless, yet that brings the release of the other inside; he of darkness seemingly born of light, he who destroys all in his way… He who destroys all

I care for no one, and no one cares for me. Those girls, slight bubbles of foolish innocence, know nothing and are safe for I am indifferent to them. None hold my interest, none spark my fascination, and none are in danger, as I love none of them.

None shall I destroy

But

Niwa Daisuke…

You are…something else.

You are yourself: young, impudent, cheeky, shy, artistic, naïve, rambunctious… innocent. You have a mother who loves you, a father who watches over you and a grandfather who guides the lot. I envy you that but I could never hate you for it. After all, it made you who you are.

My usually expressionless face relaxes with a fleeting smile, my eyes softening in tenderness as my gaze drifts past the windowpanes in my room and focuses on the shifting forest outside. I inhale deeply, breathing in the faint scent of the girl lying still in my bed and the stronger remnant of our sex. I feel nothing concerning it, as it was nothing to me. It was an act of consented physical need that, for me, brought no pleasure. I don't love Risa, I never did. She is… an interest born of having my dark half locked away. After Daisuke sealed both our other halves I need no longer fear Krads ruination of anyone I grow close to, he can no longer rise to destroy them when my emotions are not bound in chains. So… I let myself feel.

Nothing is ever as simple as we'd like, emotions being such volatile things.

I have tried to love another but I cannot. They can never fully understand me; their light merely brushes my shadows. Attraction flares and is snuffed out; my eye wanders to another, my heart untouched. I am beholden to none, as I love none.

My devotion without anchor; I am at peace.

I am balanced, as I am alone

For I know myself.

. 

TBC… I have a mental block as to the next chapter so if you have any ideas please tell me! Regardless, it'll be a bit before the next chapter is posted, as I need me some inspiration!

Flame me,

Fuck me.

Kiss me,

Hug me!

Send 'em up,

I'll eat it up!

Do send me your comments, thoughts and suggestions. Everything helps us authors better our writing.

snicker

(I love doing this…)

(AN: I actually have a Kanji tattoo of Hiwatari Satoshi on my right hip, filled-in-black & each of the three characters sized like a Canadian toonie. I strongly identify with the character, except for his twisted conflict with his father and most of the "Krad" so very fucked up inside him. I find myself very much in a similar shroud of shadows. A mix of profound empathy with utter detachment, all consuming passion with violence, a dual sexuality (though I am a girl!) that is not bound by the rules and a love that was utter surrender and perhaps too elusive to grasp again, with a depth that nobody can quite fill…)


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry (again) about the delay! Had no flipping clue what I was gonna write after I finished the third chapter & so sat roasting my ass letting the muse dance around me until it started writing itself; as it now did, all in one day. pout (Bows deeply in apology…)

For those who know/want to know the series, male/male love is alluded to/mentioned in this fic & also the series itself, if you don't like that, DON'T READ THIS! (You poor people you….) snicker

This fic is taken from both the anime series & the manga that have been released. This chapter is told primarily from Risa's point of view, as if you were viewing her thoughts & seeing through her eyes.

(This fic is unedited/beta-ed!)

eeeeeeeeeeevil cackle

I own nothing… such a pity…

.—

Chapter 4: Illusion

Time slowly passes, the trees outside whispering in a weaving dance among themselves, mesmerizing any who gaze into their shadowed depths.

Oh gods I hurt! Satoshi, why did you do this?

But—I know why…

Curled up among hopelessly disarrayed sheets, I simply watch as you slide swiftly off the bed and away from me. Your movements are precise, supple and without haste; though naked you have no shame, no inhibitions or self-consciousness; you're comfortable in your skin.

Right now I hate my skin. It is the wrong skin, though soft, not _his_ skin… Skin you would never run your hands over, as you would Braille, learning all you could with every brush of flesh with flesh.

I shift around in your bed; spatters of blood soaking into the sheets once more and aching muscles protest my voluntary movement, yet I wish to follow you with my eyes. Moonlight and depthful shadow play across your pale body, wreaking shimmering havoc with the sheen of sweat still filming your skin from your wanton sex… and my painful one… So very beautiful you are though it is not something you realize or seem to care about; but you are. Perhaps that is why we are drawn to you: icy perfection that is hard and erotic, dangerous and seductive. It unfurls a desire to be taken, to surrender, and be obliterated willingly from existence while being consumed in dark fires.

Or perhaps that is simply my yearning that is calling out…

A smile of tired sadness sweeps across my lips and my eyes close briefly with something like regret. Yes, I know you love Daisuke, though it is not the love of the obsessed. You'd die for him…and you almost did. You yearn with every breath you take, every step you make and everyone you break. To reach release you make love to Daisuke, though it be only in waking dreams.

I know this… and I am sorry

Your completion shall likely never be, as you are silent sentinel: watching, without interfering: guiding without showing your hand. You love from a distance as only you can.

The trees shift you into haunting shadow and you slump wearily to sit in the seat of broken angels, the silhouette of wings askance with your naked form, playing with my eyes as nothing else: pale as marble stone melting with milky flesh, shimmer and shadow of wanton blasphemy.

You fall into thought and unguarded emotion slides across your face… then a fleeting smile.

He who holds your heart is a blessed thing

. 

TBC…

Flame me,

Fuck me.

Kiss me,

Hug me!

Send 'em up,

I'll eat it up!

AN) Once again! Gotta wait for a bit, as the fifth chapter needs to formulate in my muddled mind! Gonna be out though… soon.

Do send me your comments, thoughts and suggestions. Everything helps us authors better our writing.

snicker

(I love doing this…)


	5. Chapter 5

This is pretty much how snappy this fic is gonna come out as I work 6 days a week (By choice!) and can't seem to write when in full work mode, unless I get one fucking strong inspiration from a random comment or smattering of music. (Bows deeply in apology…) I probably shoulda put a warning up first thing that this is NOT a cutsie fic! It is basically me delving into Satoshi's mind as I see it. I have no plot solid in my mind nor am I gonna do a lovey dovey Satoshi/Daisuke fluff fest. Though I do love them together, don't get me wrong but in this fic? I don't think so. I'm guessing I just lost a bunch of readers right there… though I AM toying with the idea of a solo fantasy chapter, involving a shower and some VERY hot thoughts! But… that's a bit later. So, again, this fic is pure experimentation for me.

For those who know/want to know the series, male/male love is alluded to/mentioned in this fic & also the series itself, if you don't like that, DON'T READ THIS! (You poor people you….) snicker

This fic is taken from both the anime series & the manga that have been released. This chapter is told primarily from Satoshi's point of view, as if you were viewing his thoughts & seeing through his eyes.

(This fic is unedited/beta-ed!)

eeeeeeeeeeevil cackle

I own nothing… such a pity…

.—

Chapter 5: Longing

The night deepens in silence as shadows play across my naked skin and I sit, sprawled, in the fractured chair of angel's wings. I feel utterly alone though Risa watches my every move.

I want—love. To never be hurt or afraid, lost or alone. To be at peace with myself and the world, though it always seems so unattainable… How do we reach that? How do we become who we want to be? Who we should be? Why should we bother to change at all? We have so many paths in life, how do we choose the right one?

Choices… such dangerous things

We so often make the wrong ones and regret them later, sometimes we make the right ones—and they hurt us and then there's not making any at all and that can be worse still. All we need to do is choose—

Sweat cools slowly on my heated skin, and I find a headache growing behind my eyes.

Sex… interesting word and its many accompaniments: make love, give, take, lust, submit, dominate, rape, fuck and destroy, all in the bottom of a glass. Perhaps in that women have it harder than us. While we can fuck around all we like, all it takes for them is one mistake. Just one… And a life is forever changed. Not a fair flip of the coin but whoever said life was fair?

Our lives, but dust in the span of time, yet we sometimes manage to live with such passion that seemingly defies eternity; to love with such abandon that when it is broken we are asunder; to love so deeply that we brush heaven; to love—

So simple, yet so complex, goddamn it—

To be enfolded in the arms of another, to be wrapped in warmth that is not artificial or even my own: to feel safe, loved. God, it's so hard to trust another, to let yourself be vulnerable: surrender all barriers and bare yourself to the scrutiny of someone else, all the good and the bad. To wish and hope—pray that they accept you. All of you

That is… difficult

I'm not used to doing that; I don't feel safe. I don't trust that simply, I can't. I hate that but I can't help it! I—

A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe it away with careless fingers. A sigh escapes my lips as my hand falls once more onto my thigh, my eyes drifting shut against the shifting night.

I feel so alone

Daisuke—I want your arms around me, hair of fire soft against my skin, burning flesh. I want to take you, hold you fast, rake my nails down your back and watch you writhe in pleasure. I want to be twined around you, limbs tangled in sweaty sheets, palm to palm with fingers laced. I want—I want to fall asleep still deep inside you, fallen moonlight our only shroud, your scent and warmth enveloping. At final peace

That is all I want and yet—

It is still too much.

TBC…

Flame me,

Fuck me.

Kiss me,

Hug me!

Send 'em up,

I'll eat it up!

AN) Once again! Gotta wait for a bit, as the sixth chapter needs to formulate in my muddled mind! Gonna be out though!

Do send me your comments, thoughts and suggestions. Everything helps us authors better our writing.

Snicker

(I love doing this…)


End file.
